“I love you”, says Josh, “I have never met anyone who comes close to thinking the way you do”
“You are my GIFT, I have waited my whole life for you.”
“I love you!”
Don’t we all long to hear those words, to feel that special, that we are special.
To be validated, affirmed, appreciated, adored and loved!
We yearn to hear those words and surrender to love, to the Beloved.
What is this thing “I love you”, not the words I hear but the words being said?
What is their source?
“Josh, sweetest heart, you don’t know me. You only know your idea of me and that is an illusion you have created in your mind.”
That of course is not the standard response to a declaration of love.
I love you is supposed to create an echo and bounce straight back, and we both feel good
and think that the love we are experiencing has something to do with the other person.
“That’s true”, responds Josh, ”I only know what you want me to know?”
“No”, I reply, “you only know what you want to know, it has nothing to do with me.
I may tell you or show you something about me, but if it does not match your idea
of me you wouldn't see it. So it's not about what I want you to know,
it's about what fits into your framework of me.”
As we go about our lives we cross paths with many wonderful, beautiful, lovable people
and as we draw nearer to take a closer look, what we encounter is a mirror, a reflection of us.
The clearer the reflection the longer we want to stay and admire our beauty.
We gaze lovingly upon ourselves mesmerized by what is being reflected back at us,
all the while thinking that what we are seeing is the other person, not ourselves.
We become addicted to feeding off the feel good aspects.
There is attachment! We have hooked in, tendrils around the heart!
Should, this other, become weary of holding up the reflection of our beauty, and drop the mirror,
all hell breaks loose! Then comes accusation and blame and hurt as you are no longer doing
what I need you to do. I need to see that I am lovable, worthy, enough, more than and
I have been relying on you to show me this. How dare you take away the reflection!
Don’t you know I love you!
Whilst we enter into relationships dependent on the other person showing us our worth,
what we feel is NOT LOVE for them, but rather our LACK of SELF-LOVE.
We count on them to mask our lack. All kinds of games of manipulation are played to ensure
the reflection remains in place.
Ownership and control are imposed and love or rather our idea of it becomes personal,
the other is responsible for the love we either feel or don’t feel.
Love, TRUE love is NOT PERSONAL, it’s UNIVERSAL, it shines equally on everyone and its
source is YOU.
Once love becomes personal, it’s not love, it’s an entirely different thing altogether.
The beauty you see in me is a reflection of you - Rumi
NO, it doesn't, it's not LOVE that hurts it's FEAR!
LOVE is always pain free, it's soft, gentle, compassionate and kind. It’s open, full, joyous,
vibrant, radiant and bliss filled. Love is giving, allowing, accepting and creating.
The opposite of LOVE is FEAR, not hate!
FEAR is always pain filled, it's hard, harsh, self-serving and unkind. It’s closed, empty,
sorrowful and grey. Fear is taking, controlling, restricting, possessing, manipulating and destroying.
How on earth then does LOVE get confused with FEAR ???
Is it perhaps that when we say "I LOVE YOU" we are really saying "I FEAR losing you" or are
we saying "I NEED you to love me cos I don't love me and without you I don’t know who I am"?
We will "love" someone until they no longer stick to their lines and play their role according
to our script. We are never much interested in their script!
Play your part, fill my needs and wants, make me feel ok about myself and we are all good.
Deviate, just a little bit, and that empty hollow feeling I have been suppressing with your
energy starts to rise. Step out of line a little bit more and fear rises up to meet us.
And so the games of FEAR begin and the illusion of LOVE collapses.
Dignity and Grace by Debbie
One of my favourite sayings......AND...doings!
Dignity and Grace
One of my favourite sayings...... AND doings!
Grace under fire is a beautiful thing, to retain your centre, with serenity,
while everything around you unravels, what strength lies in that!
Do you really think that if you speak louder the other person will hear you better?
Do you hear them better when they shout? And what's the point in both shouting together,
you can't even hear yourself, let alone them!
Yet we do it again and again, we have to be heard, the frustration unbearable.
Our opinion so important we are prepared to lose our dignity in expressing it LOUDLY
for even the neighbours to hear.
In that moment our sense of RIGHTNESS prevails and the words spew out unchecked, unconscious!
A better option, I feel, is, if someone says something you don't agree with to respond,
I HEAR YOU. It doesn't mean that you have surrendered to their point of view,
it doesn't mean you agree it simply means I acknowledge that you spoke to me.
Everyone wants to be heard! Sometimes that is all that is needed to
stop a potential argument in its tracks!!
I hear you!
And then perhaps if I hear you, you will hear me when I express my point of view.
No he said, I am afraid....
"Come to the edge, she said
No, he said, I am afraid
Come to the edge, she said
She pushed him
He flew "
Life is constantly urging us out of complacency. Come, come it whispers ....there is more,
I will show you.
We feel the pull, the rush of excitement at some unknown newness but before
we can grab hold of it, it slips away. Gone but maybe not quite forgotten.
Day after day after night after day we get up we turn up we do much the same thing we
did yesterday, the same thing we will do tomorrow and next month, probably next year too.
Routine is slowly killing us. Life slipping away in the thinking that there will always be
another day. Monday becomes Friday and Friday turns into Monday.
Days, weeks, years, a lifetime, and then it's over, half lived in mildly miserable mediocrity.
Eyes downcast heart closed jaw set one foot in front of the other. Life is just something
to get through not something to be lived.
Complacent in our comfort zone we ignore the call of adventure, of life. We turn away
and change the Chanel. It whispers a little louder, nudges a little harder, take the chance,
come see what love looks like, there is more .
The brave will heed the call, tentatively, eventually. Peek out from beneath the covers drawn
by an unknown moreness. Tiptoeing cautiously to the edge we stare into the abyss
and the abyss stares back magnetically. Step off or step back, into freedom or into
sameness. At first we step up and step back, up and back hesitant to venture into the
unknown beyond comfort and familiarity.
We look back for safety for permission, to be reassured that we won't fall, that it's
going to be ok. But, oh, my darling, what if you fly !
It is only in falling that we learn to fly, it's in taking the risk that we find freedom.
Its in saying YES that we experience life and love!
Come, come to the edge ......
I LOVE YOU
Easy to say, often overused, but mostly misunderstood.
What are we really saying when we say, "I love you" ?
Who is this YOU that we love
LOVE is unconditionally all encompassing, no exceptions, no holds barred.
Are we even capable of loving another to this degree? Truly, Madly, Deeply!
Love songs say we are!
After the first chemical rush of "love" subsides and I catch my breath and start to notice the things I don't love about you......it becomes just another sad love song.
I LOVE ME
Unconditionally, all encompassing, no exceptions, no holds barred.
And YOU turn up and stand before me.
Holding a beautiful mirror in which I see my heart.
And I LOVE the ME I see in YOU
And so I LOVE YOU
"As you live deeper in the Heart, the mirror gets clearer and cleaner." Rumi
We should love in such a way that the person we love feels free.
Love is the unconditional gift we bring to one another.
Love is not about ownership, possession, caging or claiming another.
We cannot cage the ones we love, watch their every move, track their every word.
That is NOT LOVE, its FEAR.
That is the surest and fastest way to lose love, it’s too tight and restrictive.
An OPEN hand and heart hold everything, a CLOSED tight heart and fist hold nothing.
How do we choose who we choose? Or does LOVE choose for us ?
As we go about our life we meet many beautiful people, potential partners but what makes us select one over another?
Each person we meet shows us an aspect or aspects of ourselves.
One may show us our gentleness another our kindness and yet another our jealousy.
It is not only our light that gets reflected but our shadow too.
We bathe in the light but the dark we usually reject as not us but them!
Relationships that reflect our lighter aspects tend to be smooth sailing with little conflict but not much growth.
The ones that bring out our shadow bring us a gift, but only if we are prepared to look at these aspects of ourselves as they emerge into the light and OWN them. In seeing them they are transformed.
Generally it takes us a while to find what we are looking for, and with that comes lots of pain, lots of learning and plenty of growth.
What we are really trying to do is extract the essence of each person we meet and blend these together to create our ideal "match".
Do we settle for the best "fit" we can find and forget about the misaligned aspects or "think" we can change those to best suit our agenda in time?
Ummmm, NO !
That is never going to work longterm.
So then, what do we do, how do we choose ?
The answer is RESONANCE!
Resonance is defined as synchronous vibration or reverberation. We look we search or we wait for someone we reverberate with on ALL LEVELS.
We are energetic beings, all of us, doesn't matter how lazy you are lol.
We are made up of energy and that energy is in constant motion ie it vibrates at its very own unique frequency.
As we go out into the world we are constantly sending out and receiving signals.
We are reading and being read, mostly without even being aware of it.
What we are ultimately looking for is that someone who is in tune with us, who hears our song and sings it back to us.
Its like having 2 guitars in the same room, tuned to the same frequency, pluck the G string on one and the G string on the other vibrates.
That's how we choose, that's how we connect with our heart mate.
We feel the beat, hear the harmony and stop searching
Close your eyes. Fall in love. Stay there - Rumi
in fact it's a sure thing for much "unhappiness" or discord.
Relationships require WORK! Lots!
We bring with us into relationship expectations of what it should look like, and when it doesn't
appear in that form we become victim's of our should be's.
I will only love you if…..
You fill all of my should be’s. There are veiled constantly mutating unattainable terms and conditions,
like the ever shifting sands of a track through the desert. Your ideal is unrealistic,
illusory and unsustainable.
We blame our partner for not following the script and sticking to their lines.
Yes, we may meet a partner who is willing to entertain our fantasies, but even as he/she is
robotically ticking all of our checkboxes – already we feel dissatisfied.
After much of this the relationship can either breakdown or breakthrough.
The gap between what is happening and what we expect to be happening creates stress.
We can actually arrive at Happily Ever After by putting down our expectations and being with
what is in all its perfection.
Finding yourself in a loving relationship is no guarantee of eternal joy and happiness, in fact it's a sure thing for much "unhappiness" or discord. When 2 personalities or rather EGOS co-exist it creates a rub.
How many times is it possible to walk into the fire?
How many times can we walk out?
The Phoenix is legended to have lived 600 years, it dies to the fire and is constantly regenerated to rise up out of the ashes, anew!
I, like most of us, have walked into fire and not just once!
What is it that needs to die and be reborn and die again?
From a very early age as we start to distinguish between "me" and other, our connectedness with the Oneness breaks and we enter into the illusion of separation and the development of the ego. Our parents and extended family firstly, and then society at large begin to condition us to conform to their preprogrammed standards. Labels of race, gender, religion, class etc are stuck on us and most importantly we become identified with our name. There are rules to be obeyed as well as moral and ethical standards to uphold.
As the layers of conditioning build up we lose touch with our innate wisdom, our inner guidance system gets intercepted by external frequencies. Life becomes almost robotic, we know that if we behave a certain way we will get a specific result and on the whole this works. We choose partners, jobs, friends, hobbies and even clothes that are socially acceptable. The appearance is that of living the dream.
We are born in Oneness and most often die in separation. But between birth and death run cycles of destruction and creation and that is only if we are lucky enough.
Lucky enough to hear the calling, some might say, of your soul, to experience more, to open more, to become vulnerable, exposed and available to some undefined something else. If we feel the yearning and follow the seeker, life will present us with untold opportunities to discard our layers of protection.
There is a saying that goes, we are never given more than we can handle, it doesn't always seem that way. If we have chosen a rebirth by fire, the pain can be immense as the outer layers of the mind are seared off, and the new tender layers exposed. Then the holding period while the outer shell hardens a little, just enough to re-emerge with the living.
The more often we do it, the easier it gets, as with anything, and the faster the process.
I have found myself walking into the fire, I can't say unknowingly, and stood in the hell where it's hard to breathe with the pain of love lost, love betrayed, dreams shattered, promises broken. The only and quickest way through it, I have found, is to feel it fully, allow it to consume you, engulf you and burn off everything that no longer serves you. Without resistance, without a story, with just the breath. Breathe into the pain, even if it's in gulps at first, those gulps, like sobs, will subside and eventually become deeper and more even, with an odd sense of calm. The more we are able to embrace the burn and just be fully present with it, the faster we transmute the energy.
Just be with it! As it burns! As the outer layers turn to ash!
For your rebirth.